3/31/10
Vent
BLEH. I feel like my head is spinning out of control and the feeling of contentment is no longer comforting.
I feel like ripping my eyes out. What is it to be satisfied??
I miss so many people I no longer know and it's my fault. It always comes back to me being the pushing force that throws me into my own selfish orbit.
I'm so tired of trying and then hurting people close to me.
/rant
I feel like ripping my eyes out. What is it to be satisfied??
I miss so many people I no longer know and it's my fault. It always comes back to me being the pushing force that throws me into my own selfish orbit.
I'm so tired of trying and then hurting people close to me.
/rant
1/21/10
Just one of those days...
hating life. Hating everyone.
Feeling too fat, too ugly. Too negative.
Frustrated not having the words to articulate and express what I feel deep down in my gut...
worst part is there isn't anyone to tell.
No understanding, but I don't think there ever really is real understanding. Empathy. That's all anyone can do, empathize.
You aren't in my head and I'm not in your head. If you were, you wouldn't be sitting here.
Instead running for the door, because I can't say or spew half of what I'm feeling. Thinking. Carrying around.
If I had the power, I'd project everything onto you...someone, anyone.
SCREAM out into the open, send it into the universe. Wishing it would come back and hit me TEN fold. Dead, undone.
Everyone wishes something was different about someone...or that someone loved them more or forgot them faster.
I couldn't have "picked" a better family...maybe a little more open-minded and accepting...
but that's life right??
How can you regret things you've done in your past, if they helped you find the ONE constant in your life?? The one person you can always depend on, the one person that no matter how hard I push, stays the same, neverchanging. Always giving so much love, that I feel like it's unreal.
Like accepting it fills you with guilt and questioning, because to know someone so selfless seems too much like a dream.
Today is one of those days, it's tiring. I'm faltering, hard.
Feeling too fat, too ugly. Too negative.
Frustrated not having the words to articulate and express what I feel deep down in my gut...
worst part is there isn't anyone to tell.
No understanding, but I don't think there ever really is real understanding. Empathy. That's all anyone can do, empathize.
You aren't in my head and I'm not in your head. If you were, you wouldn't be sitting here.
Instead running for the door, because I can't say or spew half of what I'm feeling. Thinking. Carrying around.
If I had the power, I'd project everything onto you...someone, anyone.
SCREAM out into the open, send it into the universe. Wishing it would come back and hit me TEN fold. Dead, undone.
Everyone wishes something was different about someone...or that someone loved them more or forgot them faster.
I couldn't have "picked" a better family...maybe a little more open-minded and accepting...
but that's life right??
How can you regret things you've done in your past, if they helped you find the ONE constant in your life?? The one person you can always depend on, the one person that no matter how hard I push, stays the same, neverchanging. Always giving so much love, that I feel like it's unreal.
Like accepting it fills you with guilt and questioning, because to know someone so selfless seems too much like a dream.
Today is one of those days, it's tiring. I'm faltering, hard.
12/11/09
A little consideration...
Is that too much to ask for?? Shutting a bathroom door seems easy enough, at least to those of us who use more than 3 braincells a day. I know it seems like I'm asking for a lot, I guess, but I'm truly not. If you can shut one door, feel free to shut the other. I know you have so much "other stuff going on ", but it's a 2-way street. If you want me to respect you then respect me. Simple enough.
Hopeless, idiotic, fuck-ups.
/rant
Hopeless, idiotic, fuck-ups.
/rant
9/24/09
Better with age...
I've realized that maybe wine isn't the ONLY thing that gets better with age. Sure I still catch myself slippin' and bumming out at getting "older", but there are days - like today - that I realize, me getting older is only making my life better.
It can also be credited to my amazing "partner in crime". We learn sooo much from each other still, he's growing, I'm growing - we're growing. I love him more everyday, it gets better with every day that passes.
Sure we fight, but who doesn't. It's the rebound time that matters. I can't stay mad at him for longer than an hour and to ME after almost 7 years together...I think that says something :)
He's finding his nitch and I get to come along for the ride...and what a ride it has been and I foresee it will be <3
Thanks for being who you are, boofriend. We make each other better people and I can't wait to see what's in store for us next!
Love love love xoxoxoxoxooo
It can also be credited to my amazing "partner in crime". We learn sooo much from each other still, he's growing, I'm growing - we're growing. I love him more everyday, it gets better with every day that passes.
Sure we fight, but who doesn't. It's the rebound time that matters. I can't stay mad at him for longer than an hour and to ME after almost 7 years together...I think that says something :)
He's finding his nitch and I get to come along for the ride...and what a ride it has been and I foresee it will be <3
Thanks for being who you are, boofriend. We make each other better people and I can't wait to see what's in store for us next!
Love love love xoxoxoxoxooo
7/24/09
7/11/09
Common reaction...
He slipped into her lover's body. It would be easier, quieter with a familiar face. He laid there for a moment, watching her, wondering what it was that had her so entranced. A pang of guilt almost stopped him from rising slowly to his feet...almost stopped him. His footsteps were mute to her ears, she wore the Skullcandy headphones snuggly on her ears, pushing back her wild morning hair...
He inched forward, like the predator he had become. He knew with one precise motion it would be over. Hovering closer, he smelled the remanence of her lavender perfume from last night. It stung him, close to this human's heart. This body he'd taken over, one of the pitfalls of using such a personal technique. He shoveled the thoughts of remorse further back into his mind, knowing fully that this was his job and there was no way around it.
He felt a single bead of sweat form at the nape of his neck and make the slow descent down his bare chest. Time was running short, with one careful movement he wrapped his arms tightly around her from behind. Her head tilted back, a long, wide smile spread across her face. She was welcoming his warmth, a face, belonging to a man so close and tender to her heart there was no reservation in the intimate gesture.
Grabbing tighter, he slowly moved his arms up her body, releasing enough for his hands to slide onto her fragile, human neck...her eyes fell back to the computer screen, a slight sigh escaping her lips. She was unaware of the underlying undertone, too wrapped up in a lover's embrace. He leaned forward, putting his face to the crown of her head kissing firmly atop her raven black hair. He mused her, then broke her.
He broke her into a thousand tiny pieces...
Her limp body, slid slightly forward in the chair, lifeless, unmoving. Once again, he had done his job, flawlessly without effort.
He returned her lover's body back to the bed, let it fall into a sleeping position. Slowly regaining the life that had been put on pause. He used others without regret, framed them without thought.
He hovered above the bedroom, looking once at her sleeping lover and again at her. Unmoving, dead.
He was a reaper. There was no room for compassion.
__________________________________________________________
"Dreams Like That" - 7.11.2009 - 6am - xo, K
"Common Reaction" -UhHuhHer <3
He inched forward, like the predator he had become. He knew with one precise motion it would be over. Hovering closer, he smelled the remanence of her lavender perfume from last night. It stung him, close to this human's heart. This body he'd taken over, one of the pitfalls of using such a personal technique. He shoveled the thoughts of remorse further back into his mind, knowing fully that this was his job and there was no way around it.
He felt a single bead of sweat form at the nape of his neck and make the slow descent down his bare chest. Time was running short, with one careful movement he wrapped his arms tightly around her from behind. Her head tilted back, a long, wide smile spread across her face. She was welcoming his warmth, a face, belonging to a man so close and tender to her heart there was no reservation in the intimate gesture.
Grabbing tighter, he slowly moved his arms up her body, releasing enough for his hands to slide onto her fragile, human neck...her eyes fell back to the computer screen, a slight sigh escaping her lips. She was unaware of the underlying undertone, too wrapped up in a lover's embrace. He leaned forward, putting his face to the crown of her head kissing firmly atop her raven black hair. He mused her, then broke her.
He broke her into a thousand tiny pieces...
Her limp body, slid slightly forward in the chair, lifeless, unmoving. Once again, he had done his job, flawlessly without effort.
He returned her lover's body back to the bed, let it fall into a sleeping position. Slowly regaining the life that had been put on pause. He used others without regret, framed them without thought.
He hovered above the bedroom, looking once at her sleeping lover and again at her. Unmoving, dead.
He was a reaper. There was no room for compassion.
__________________________________________________________
"Dreams Like That" - 7.11.2009 - 6am - xo, K
"Common Reaction" -UhHuhHer <3
6/8/09
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